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Yep, I
taught my Mom how to play fantasy football. Here's how it
happened.
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How
I Taught My Mom to Play Fantasy
Football
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Or alternately titled, "That's Not Why They're Called Tight
Ends"
February, 2003
"Are they trying to kill each other?"
"No, Mom, it's called tackling."
"Well, I don't care what you call it, do they have to be so
rough?"
Let me tell you about my Mom. She's a 75-year-old retired
pharmacist living in Santa Cruz, CA. She was married for 50
years to her high school sweetheart (my father, obviously)
who passed away five years ago. She still lives in the same
house where my sister and I grew up. Instead of kids, now
she has cats. Her previous knowledge of professional sports
consisted of passively rooting for the teams Dad and I
rooted for, as that generally meant peace in the household
when our teams won. Although, as I said, she was a passive
fan.
"Honey, how did the Raiders do?"
"THEY #%*@$% LOST!"
"That's too bad. We're having chicken with mushroom gravy
tonight."
"That's great Mom."
We've often said our games at HeySportsFans are "Easy enough
for your Mom to understand, tough enough she still might
beat you." We decided to take the idea a step further for
football season. Pick a team at random, if they beat MY Mom
they win a bonus prize. Sounds easy enough, right? Really,
we just expected it to be a nice way to hand out some extra
prizes in a fun way. Little did I know I was about to
unleash a competitive tiger from within my own dear, sweet
Mother.
Her initial reaction?
"Oh honey, I don't know anything about that."
"Don't worry Mom, I'll teach you the fundamentals, and guide
you through it. But remember, you will have the final say
for each of your players at each position."
"Each position!? I don't know football positions. How am I
supposed to know what positions people play?"
"Mom, calm down."
Now, we run a fairly straightforward game - 16 groups of
players, pick one player from each group. If you don't like
them, pick someone else the following week. First order of
business was to get Mom an easy-to-read printout of the
player selections. This is available from our website, but
Mom isn't too hot with the mouse. She has a computer with an
Internet connection, but she pretty much ignores it unless I
come over and log on with her. Then she's surfing like a
Hawaiian on a long board at Waimea Beach. I helped her get a
printout. That was easy, but what she really needed was a
strategy.
Teaching your Mom fantasy football when she can barely grasp
the rudiments of football itself can be tricky. I quickly
determined we better start off slowly. She would choose her
team for Week 1 with the simple strategy of "I like Niners
and Raiders." That took care of quite a few picks, so I
introduced the idea of the team vs. team matchup. This
concept proved to be a little tougher, especially since no
one had played yet and she had no clue who was good and who
stunk last season. So I dug up the Thursday sports section
of our local paper, which runs the odds for all the upcoming
weekend's college and NFL action, and showed her how to read
which team was favored in each contest. She got the idea
quickly and filled in the rest of her team with players from
teams that were favored by the most points. All in all, a
decent strategy for a beginner.
As it turned out, Mom kicked some serious butt with her Week
1 picks. She had the 4th highest score for the week,
finished 1st in her league, and easily smashed her Week 1
opponent. She was really tickled. "I have a system", she
boasted. She said it as if she had figured out a foolproof
system to winning blackjack and it was just a matter of time
before she broke the bank.
She worked hard on her Week 2 picks, not wanting to lay an
egg after a taste of success. On her own, she began
discussing the injury report she saw in the Thursday paper,
wanting to know the difference between "Out", "Doubtful,"
"Questionable, " and "Probable." I have to say, I was
impressed.
She decided two of her picks should be Steelers Kordell
Stewart and Hines Ward. They were playing Oakland at home.
As a diehard Raider fan, I told her, "I hope those two have
a terrible week full of interceptions and lost fumbles."
"You're only saying that because you want the Raiders to
win, and I can't let personal team affiliations interfere
with smart fantasy picks."
Huh? So much for peace in the family. That's playing some
pretty cold-blooded fantasy football for only her second
week. Geez. The result? Raiders beat the Steelers, but
Stewart and Ward combine for some nice fantasy points and
she wins again. Priceless.
As she faced Week 3, I had to explain how "bye weeks" work.
Before the season started I had given her a list of all the
bye weeks so she could have a quick reference guide of which
teams were off on any given week. But now, four weeks later,
she had questions about it.
"OK Mom, now remember
Baltimore, Jacksonville, Oakland, and Pittsburgh don't play
this week."
"They don't play? Why not?"
"They have a bye this week. Remember, over the next several
weeks each team will have a week off."
"Oh that's right. So I don't want to pick anyone from those
teams this week."
"Correct. Because they aren't playing, they won't get any
points."
"OK then. I'll have to change some of my picks then, because
I think I took a couple Raiders. "
But when her 49er/Raider strategy mixed with team vs. team
matchups failed to produce a victory in Weeks 3 and 4, Mom
wanted more info. The "system" wasn't working. So I made a
new suggestion to her.
"Mom, you don't always have to pick players from teams that
are favored. Even though their team may stink, there are
players having outstanding seasons. You need to start paying
attention to how individual players are doing. "
"How do I do that?"
"I'll get you a printout of the player's season-to-date
fantasy scores. That way you can start to see who's doing
well and who's struggling."
"Oh yeah. That would really help. By the way, is Couch still
hurt?"
"Yeah Mom, he's still out."
As the season progressed, Mom never neglected her picks
once. She started to pay more attention to football. She was
picking up on the little nuances of the game. She knew
during Thanksgiving week she needed her picks done by
Thursday morning, before the first game of the week. She
even started to watch NFL Primetime on ESPN on Sundays. She
liked it when Chris Berman would mention one of the players
from her team that week.
In the end, Mom finished the season at 10-7 in head-to-head
competition. A couple of her losses were close, a couple of
times she creamed her opponent. She was in the top third of
all teams overall and TWICE had the top weekly score in her
league of 50 teams. She now knows the difference between
"Doubtful" and "Questionable." She can read the spread on a
Vegas line. She knows when a team has a bye week and when
the games start. She knows when a player is hurt and can't
play. In short, she knows how to play fantasy football.
I'll bet this year she'll start talking smack on game day.
I'm so proud.
Ken Bunter
Owner, HeySportsFans
Mom demonstrated herself to be a serious competitor,
going a combined 52-33 (.612 winning percentage) over 5
seasons.
2002: 10-7
2003: 11-6
2004: 12-5
2005: 10-7
2006: 9-8
Due to health issues, Mom has since retired from playing fantasy football, but The Wife has taken over her duties. Each week one team is randomly
chosen to go up against The Wife in an intense fantasy football
struggle for domination. Beat her and win free entry into
HeySportsFans Playoff Fantasy Football, value $10. Good
luck!
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